The Church Christian Living

Why I Left the Black Church 18 Years Ago & Why Returning Was Imperative

Monica Horton

Two years ago, Ghanaian President Nana Akufo-Addo declared 2019 the “Year of Return.” Akufo-Addo welcomed African-Diasporans back to the motherland for self-discovery and renewal while being presented with economic opportunities to invest in Ghana, including options for dual citizenship. The Ghanaian president’s “Year of Return” coincided with the 400th anniversary of when the Transatlantic Slave Trade shipped our African ancestors to the United States for an unconscionable life of race-based chattel slavery.

Meanwhile, in an effort to spur a national collective awareness of our African forefathers’ origins in the U.S., Nikole Hannah-Jones published the highly-acclaimed, New York Times 1619 Project commemorating our arrival to America and its modern-day vestiges. After listening to Hannah-Jones’ 1619 Project podcast episodes some time ago, and thinking about the fact that August is the commemorative month, ironically, I was shook.

Here’s why: August 2019 would not only mark the timely release of Hannah-Jones’ award-winning tribute to the legacy of chattel slavery, or President Akufo-Addo’s inaugural “Year of Return” campaign, but it would also coincide with my year of return to the Black church.

Exodus to the Multi-cultural Church

I grew up in the Church of God in Christ where excellent youth leaders taught me scripture, discipled me, and cultivated my love of singing in gospel choirs. But after earning my bachelor’s degree, I started attending a Black Baptist church alongside my newly-wedded husband. Unfortunately, that experience was short-lived after the pastor silenced a Black woman during a church-wide business meeting and commanded her to sit down. It was classic misogynoir and something collapsed in my soul that day. We left that church immediately and that event marked our prolonged departure from the Black church for the next 18 years.

After leaving that church in 2003, we immersed ourselves in what became the densely populated multi-ethnic, color-blind, word of faith, charismatic church context, at the height of the prosperity gospel wave.

At the time, we held tightly to attending churches that “looked more like Heaven” where the only color that mattered was red: signifying the blood of Jesus and its power to automatically forge an equal spiritual footing among people groups, and instantly neutralize racial disunity.

In hindsight, I implicitly believed that the White-led, multi-cultural church context was more pleasing in God’s sight serving as the clearest solution capable of achieving racial reconciliation. But over time, I began to witness a condescending attitude toward racially-homogeneous churches for being the reason why Sunday morning was the most racially segregated day of the week without qualifying the circumstances that historically led to monocultural churches, particularly for the Black church.

It became common to hear church leaders say things like, “I don’t want an all-White church or an all-Black church” which annoyed me because White pastors would never acknowledge the impact racism had on the formation of Black churches, showing a gross lack of racial awareness.

The Age of Mike Brown and Donald Trump

In 2013, my family relocated from a culturally diverse metropolitan city in the South to a majority White Midwestern city. We were insistent on finding a church similar to the one we left behind. Our mission was accomplished as the church met the following criteria that we were accustomed to: front-line worship band, children’s church, welcoming people, a pastor with more of a teaching-style of preaching, and solid attendance by other people of color.

For the last 6 years, we gave of our time, talent, and treasures to a White-led, multi-racial church in the Age of Mike Brown and Donald Trump.

In this worship setting, Black and Brown believers were hyper-visible on the worship team, but we were also active in prayer ministry, youth services, discipleship, and benevolence. At a minimum, the lead pastoral leadership appeared sincere in their efforts towards acknowledging racial unrest and a host of other racial injustices. The lead pastor occasionally would dignify the disproportionate numbers of Black lives murdered by police officers from his platform. As an inclusive gesture, African-American and Latinx vernacular and sentiments were appropriated as viable marketing strategies within the church culture. The church mastered inclusion “softball,” but somehow when the rubber met the road and the opportunity came to help peacefully resolve a racially-insensitive incident head-on, the lead pastoral leadership completely unraveled at the helm of cultural competence and racial reconciliation.

As a care pastor in the church, a Black woman expressed to me that she did not feel comfortable attending church and would not be in attendance that Sunday. She explained to me that a White church member posted a certain video on social media.

The video featured Keith and Kevin Hodge, also known as The Hodge Twins. In the video, the Hodge Twins are speaking in a minstrelsy-style voice to mock Black people appealing for reparations for slavery among other condescending rhetoric and jesting. The lead pastor called a meeting to address the incident. He invited several Black women who were negatively impacted by the video (and by the comments of other church members defending the woman’s post and her supposed intentions).

The lead pastor was on-track by listening to the group of Black women upset about this racially-insensitive incident and the white woman’s half-baked apology and “dirty delete” of the whole post after “suddenly” realizing the vulgarity of the video. Naturally, before leaving that gathering of Black women, we spoke with one mind expecting a follow-up meeting after the offending church member’s actions were addressed by leadership. A month went by and we heard nothing. I decided to approach the pastor for a follow-up meeting because we felt ignored. That meeting commenced with a deflating update by the pastor riddled with white comfort and appeasement. There was no plan to help bring the offending church member to the table to talk and address the racialized incident.

During the follow-up meeting, I asked the pastor about his vision towards improving race relations in the church. instead of answering my question, the pastor verbally accosted me telling me I had no influence as far as he was concerned. I would soon learn that the pastor harbored negative feelings about how I approached him for the follow-up meeting, among other things.

Year of Return to the Black Church

I was left disoriented and unable to contribute further to the discussion about improving race relations in his church. I became socially withdrawn in disbelief of the pastor’s harsh behavior towards me, uncharacteristic of anyone’s expectations of a spiritual leader actively working towards racial unity. From that point, I let my silent tears speak for the rest of the meeting to make space for the other Black women to voice their concerns. These series of events, including my family being told a week later that the lead pastor thought it was best that we find another church, set the stage for our return back to the Black church – definitively.

If I’m brutally honest, my whole being wanted to stop going to church altogether – indefinitely. I did not want to be bothered with the church routine in the emotional and mental state I was in: disoriented, angry, regretful, ashamed and offended that my Black family, in a city with a Black population of 4 percent, was pushed out of a White church with no repentance, repair, or accountability from the lead pastor. But, not attending church was an elusive option for me because I am a part of a family unit.

How would my husband manage the weekly discomfort of his wife’s absence while visiting other churches? How do we make our daughter understand why mommy is socially withdrawn on Sundays? So initially, I forced myself to visit other churches with my family to avoid falling away from our routine of church attendance, but it caused significant distress than healing. My soul could not stomach more of the same cookie-cutter types of church experiences.

At the same time, I alienated myself all those years ago from the Black church to attend churches that “looked more like heaven” and that were more resourced. So here I was ousted, estranged, and displaced from church at a moment in African-American history where we should be celebrating how far the United States has progressed since the first African slaves were brought to this country in 1619.

It took time, observation, courage, and humility, but we made it back to a predominately Black church. We arrived depleted, but not empty-handed. Our current church home is where we need to be in this current political and spiritual climate where leadership and the majority of the members, by virtue of shared experiences, understand the historical and contemporary impact of racial injustice while holding firm to the profession of our faith.

We are building new relationships and reimagining new areas of ministry where we would like to serve to build the Kingdom of God. But most of all, we feel spiritual safety. We returned bearing 18 years’ worth of giftings, talents, wisdom, and tools to help strengthen our new church family, even as we’re experiencing inner healing from our previous church experience. We rest in the blessing of God gracing us with an inevitable return to the rich cultural and spiritual heritage of the Black church – our year of return.


21 thoughts on “Why I Left the Black Church 18 Years Ago & Why Returning Was Imperative

  1. Dwaine Whitley

    Good article and probably the best we can do at this point. The problem is that it doesn’t help inter-racial couples and families. Any thoughts on that?………DW.

  2. Carl Johnson

    I am under the value statement that we need a justice oriented multi cultural disciple making movement. I fb requested you. I believe that Black led multicultural churches can speak in this area if they make some shifts.

  3. Anonymous

    This article is so timely for where I am on my journey to find a new church to call home. I am encouraged that I will land exactly where God wants me.
    Thank you!💕

  4. Kayla V. Warr

    This. Is. Good. In ways I can’t describe. It reminds me so much of the way I grew up. I haven’t made it back to the Black Church yet but I’m waiting to see where God wants me to go from here. My mind and soul are free from believing that I must be in “diverse” spaces that are not safe for me as a Black woman. Thank you for writing this.

  5. ECT

    Thanks for this article. I find myself (along with my husband) at this crossroads. We are walking through a similar social media issue that has now had to be escalated to our church leadership. Awaiting next steps but I’m fearful of the outcome. Tough decisions ahead as I am in an interracial marriage and therefore a black church is not a fair option for my husband. As the spiritual head of our home, he must be able to be fed in ways that can allow him to lead us now and in the future.

  6. Cherise Young

    Amen. I believe there will be a reckoning that will lead to true repentance.

  7. Dave Evans

    It seems that we have to personally feel the sting of white supremacy before we act. My prayer list of those that are feeling it continues to grow. It reminds me of how the last buffalo herds were killed off…Sad.
    I am happy to know that you are still walking with our Lord, and praying for those that are still in the house…

  8. Cherise Young

    Thank you. Truly, that quote is appropriate. I pointed this out to the H. R. Director, another black female. Yet, those set up in the house are not always sympathetic to those punished out in the field. Yet I remain confident that God is faithful to expose the narcissism that fuels the continuing of white patriarchy and racists systems. Thank you for your prayers.

  9. Dave Evans

    Hi Cherise,
    I’m sorry to hear about the job loss. I pray that you are able to find something that will sustain you and your family.

    As I heard one woman say: “I would have saved more if only they knew they were slaves…”

  10. Dave Evans

    Brad, That is a good question. As I look at the early church structures, they seemed to be pretty small in number- house churches. Maybe with smaller churches we would have similar issues and challenges. Maybe this whole idea of massive churches is sinister. If the shepherd is to care for the sheep, shouldn’t he at least know them by name? Maybe even know their challenges?
    I’m tired of being impressed by the pastor of thousands, only to join and never get to know him (or vice versa).
    I think smaller, led by God fearing leaders is the way to go. I also think the mortgage causes problems for any church- it becomes the primary need rather than the people. Home church is what I’m seeking. A handful of believers that are serious about our Lord. Dave

  11. Dave Evans

    Three years ago I left both seminary and church in southern California for very similar reasons. As long as there was no storm, their true feelings were never exposed. Even the teaching (Just the Gospel) seemed on point. “We are against homosexuality and abortion!…only.
    But once the racial tension of the nation began to be revealed I discovered that the church was not my place of refuge. Almost like picking up the gun when you hear the burglar only to find there are no bullets! Now what! Now where? Now, how to I deal with the feelings that had built ‘against’ the Black church all these years as I ran back to them? If not them, where? As my heart hardened, I determined that ‘multi cultural’ had to be multi-led. All sides needed skin in the game. I would not attend a MC church unless it had MC leadership! Pastor Anderson and Pastor Dates (online) have been a great halfway house for me. Still, not sure of where to go from here.

  12. Shaun Sorrells

    Monica, thanks so much for sharing your experience! My family and I, along with many other black brothers and sisters in our circle experienced similar. The sickness of racism is so pervasive and insidious that I completely understand the desire to want to fellowship in a context where that particular sin is one of the things you don’t have to waste spiritual energy contending with. It’s exhausting beyond belief! I used to believe multiculturalism is a paramount evidence of rightly understanding and living the gospel; to my own and my family’s detriment. I no longer believe this. Keep flying sister!

  13. Toviyah

    Sounds Great! Could you please name a congregation or local church that perfectly practices the ‘back to Jesus’ narrative ?


  14. Dorian

    I feel that it is imperative that we look at these types of situations not with the perspective that because of this multi ethnic church they are unable to understand the black experience. But with the narrative that most Western American Church’s have not fully grasped the Gospel. In this particular situation that Monica found herself and family should serve as a reminder that the church is not following Jesus fully. The pastor more than likely feels that he is doing the right thing by gathering a few to acknowledge the hurt and pain but not inviting the entire congregation to the table to be fully known and fully loved. If we partake in the fullness of the Gospel then we would have the audacity to engage in conversation. Which there in lie leads us to the cross where all sins are nailed. There is no doubt that this pastor was trying to escape the reality of racism in his church, simply by minimizing it with the “focus on what unites us mentality”. I do not feel like the answer to this complicated issue should be to flee to safety and freedom (to be who you are) in the arms of a black pastor, black congregation there is no freedom in being “black” in a “black” church just as well as in a “white” church or a multi ethnic church. Freedom comes from being fully known and fully loved first by Jesus, then by your community. In order to do that you must practice walking in the light with your particular community. When doing this you will only then experience the fullness of the Gospel. I thank you Monica for being so candid and forward in your article, but I disagree with a back the Black Movement, May I suggest a back to Jesus movement instead.

  15. Doc Bass

    Wecolme home, Monica…

  16. Brad Jones

    I’m interested to know what the ideal church situation is. I don’t want to give up on the multi-racial church dream. Perhaps having a black lead pastor would be best?

  17. Taylor H

    Thank you for sharing this! You and a few other black women’s loving embrace and sisterhood honestly kept me at that church. I am sorry you faced those harsh issues there. I love you, I support you and I stand with you!

  18. Shurita TT

    My heart hurt as I read this…reliving the pain and trauma you felt during that time. I was there with you…walking the same path, experiencing similar trauma. I am grateful for your friendship before, during and after this experience.

  19. Bee

    This is so timely for me and my family. Thank you for sharing.

  20. Cherise

    Amen. Amen. Amen. I just experienced something similar. I was an employee of the church who was fired. Sort of glad there is a pandemic so I can rest and figure out my next move. Thank you for a very well-written piece.

  21. J.R. Chappell

    Thank you for this. Thank you for your courage, intellectual and personal. I hope you find what you are looking for.

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